Lycanthrope

The magical ability to assume the form and characteristics of a wolf.

I have felt connected to wolves since I was very young, and I have long been drawn to both the real life animal and folkloric depictions of them. I spent long hours as a child attempting "werewolf spells" in the effort to become one, and while I've never considered myself especially spiritual, I have had undeniable experiences, sensations, and memories which have led me to conclude that I am in some partial way, non-human. It is a tangible and subjective thing but I choose to embody that inhumanity by identifying myself as a werewolf, and observing rites by invoking that inhumanity on full moon nights and enact my lycanthropy by indulging such instincts, especially recently. It is complicated but I do consider it somewhat of a spiritual belief, as some of the things I have felt and experienced under the full moon go beyond being imagined or psychological, including physical sensations, wolf-like appearances and behaviour, and also simply the fact that I choose to have such a monthly ritual at all indicates that it is a sort of "practice" that I am enacting and choosing to believe in wholeheartedly. It is a strange thing to have faith in while also being incredibly self-aware about how subjective and unreal spirituality is, but... That's just kind of how it is.

My Aspects of Lycanthropy:

-I have wolf body language, sometimes pant when stressed or exhausted, and I like standing on my toes/digitigrade. I’m pretty decent at it too! It feels more natural than running regularly sometimes.
-I can sometimes feel the sensation of having a tail, ears or longer muzzle, or like my legs "should" be (or have become) digitigrade. I think of it as being "wolf-shaped". My tail and ears feel especially tangible and I can wag them, move them around, etc. with ease. When I focus on my ears it sounds like what I hear is coming in from higher up than my "real" ears.
-I feel odd around new moons, the lack of bright moonlight makes me feel off-center when I’m out at night. Full moons, however, make me feel more excitable and animalistic and I find my body experiences "transforming" sensations around that time, particularly if I spend some time meditating under the full moon, like the feeling of a muzzle growing, that kind of thing. I have felt physical aches and pains particularly around my muzzle area during full moons.
-I've always found animal body language, especially dogs, much easier to read than human body languages and facial expressions. My dog also 'recognizes' me as wolfish when I choose to enact my lycanthropy and plays with me like I am another dog. I find dog/wolf body language very easy to imitate and be understood with.
-I have pale green eyes, but a ring of pale yellow around my pupils. My girlfriend first noticed it on a full moon night...
-I have had dreams about painful transformations into bestial forms many times in the past, often more vivid and real-feeling than my usual dreams.
-I am sensitive to smells, sounds, and bright lights.

Shanoa (Castlevania)

“I'm the only one left who can end this. Hear me, Dracula! I am the morning sun, come to vanquish this horrible night!”

I strongly related to and find comfort in Shanoa's narrative of repressed trauma, abuse, inability to relate to others, express emotions and socialize "normally", and struggles with personhood, particularly around the time I began playing Castlevania games and it seemed to shore up a lot of those same repressed memories and wounds to the surface. It's hard to explain why I latched so hard onto her but it's the strongest connection I've felt to such a mirror, and she's the reason I took up the name Shanoa and finding comfort and catharsis in that self-identification is part of why I was able to understand myself, heal from such wounds, and become a full and independent person like I am today.

My Memories and Sensations:

-I have a lot of Shanoa-esque memories through dreams and little visual snatches of recollection.
-I’ve had rather vivid dreams accompanied with senses of touch and temperature that stayed with me when I woke up, like the feeling of Laura’s hair against my fingers, or speaking to Albus on a cold day outside of Ecclesia’s main building (though regretfully I forgot what he was telling me when I woke up...). And even a pretty scary dream about Barlowe, which I much later adapted into a scene in Futility as I needed a dream sequence for a different character. My visual memories here tend towards photorealism, too, so they feel very real to me.
-I also have strong memories of frequenting Ruvas Forest after the events of Order of Ecclesia with strong visual images in my mind, and even the scent of the trees. I also have very detailed maps in my head of certain buildings and areas that aren't shown in that much detail in-game. In, like, an “I was there” way. Particularly Ecclesia I have a full layout of in my head.
-I also remember the taste of certain in-game dishes extremely vividly! Especially Killer Fish...
-Certain moments and things that happen in my “headcanons” just... feel like actual canon or like things that objectively happened to me in a way I can't explain, in a way that I usually don't experience with any other characters I like and relate to.
-Being called Shanoa just makes me feel really right in a way most other online aliases haven't.